Monthly Archives: February 2013

Newcastle and the EPL

By Matt Ginn

My first season as a (European) football follower was 2011-2012. I always enjoyed watching World Cup matches at 2:30AM, or whatever time they happened to air because they were being held in some far off locale, but never followed a league other than the occasional glance at my San Jose Earthquakes standing in the MLS.

One weekend morning in the fall of 2011 that all changed. While laying on my couch at 9AM drinking a Newcastle Brown Ale I flipped over to the Fox Soccer Channel that had recently been added to my cable package and saw, as luck would have it, Newcastle United Football Club facing off against Fulham in the Premier League. The fortuitous happening (my beer, their club name) blew my mostly-hungover, slightly-buzzed mind. The simple black and white kit the Toons sport wasn’t garish or offputting and eased my booze addled brain. At that moment I decided to be a Newcastle supporter for life. The Magpies went on to win that match 2-1, and to secure points in their first 11 matches of the Premier League season, competing for a Champions League spot atop the table until a rough stretch in their last few fixtures left them just outside the top 4. Confused yet? I was too, and that was before this year, when what I had previously thought to be the best feature of the Premier League became a horrifying reality. Relegation is a scary word.

Beginning to follow a new sport can be an intimidating experience as an adult. So much of being a male sports fan is tied into machismo and knowing more than your friends (and colleagues), so starting from scratch seems pointless. If I’m never going to know more about it than him, goes the thinking, why bother following it at all. Short answer, because it’s fucking amazing, but there’s more to it than that. All of the words in the above paragraph that don’t make sense to you and didn’t make sense to me a year and a half ago, are second nature to me now, and only part of using and understanding that language is enjoying the pretentiousness of them. I could explain the phrases that don’t make sense above, but you’ll be a lot happier if you start watching a few matches and figure them out for yourself. Instead of complaining about the slow pace of soccer you’ll start to notice the patient build up of a possession side, or the quick strike of an overmatched counter-attacking club. Instead of whining about ties, you’ll relish the point gained from playing to a draw at Old Trafford, Stamford Bridge, White Hart Lane or Anfield. Instead of bemoaning all the diving and fake injuries, you’ll.. well you’ll still hate the diving and fake injuries, shit drives me nuts and I love pretty much the rest of the game. The English blame it on the mainland Europeans, but it really is everywhere, all the Americans do it too. What do you want from me, no sport is perfect.

The one word that I will explain is “Relegation”. English professional football has a bunch of different levels. Think A, AA, AAA and the bigs in major league baseball, even though there are really more levels inside of those designations, it’s typically accepted that professional baseball has four different levels in America. The Premier League is the majors of English soccer, the top 20 clubs in England play 38 matches each to determine the best of the best. Now imagine that if a team finished in the bottom 15% of the standings (think Astros, Cubs, Rockies and Twins last year) they got moved down to AAA ball and the top 15% of clubs in AAA moved up to the majors to take their place. The AAA club would play in their own stadium, but would share in league wide revenue streams like national and international broadcast rights. The financial ramifications alone can be huge. Every year this is the dream for three teams in the Championship (AAA) and the nightmare for the bottom feeders of the Premier League. Thankfully Newcastle’s recent run of play has kept them just ahead of the bottom three, but another mini slump can drop them right into the relegation zone, and with two-thirds of the season already over, that’s a place they’d like to avoid at all costs.

I wake up at 5:15 every day for work. Because my body has an incredible internal alarm clock I also wake up at 5:15 on the weekends. Unless you’re the world’s biggest Sham Wow (TM) fan there isn’t a whole lot of watchable television on at that time. So next time you can’t sleep or come home from the bars waaaaayyyyyyy past closing, tune into ESPN 2 or Fox Soccer and check it out.

By Matt Ginn
Follow Matt on twitter at @mattginn
EMail Matt at matt@thecouchletes.com
 

Time to Focus on College Basketball: Things are Getting Interesting Now…

By Kevin York

I think I’m like a majority of American sports fans when it comes to college basketball. I follow the sport, but I don’t really follow it until the NFL season ends. At that point my sports watching time really opens up and I can dedicate more time to following the NCAA. Up to now, we haven’t really written much about college basketball. In fact, the one and only post that I wrote about it, wasn’t even so much about the game or season itself, but about conference realignment. I think the frequency with which we write about college basketball will start to change a bit. Now things are getting really interesting.

In case anyone didn’t notice, this past week was quite a week for college basketball. Four of the top five ranked teams lost last week – #1 Indiana (to Illinois), #2 Florida (to Arkansas), #3 Michigan (to Wisconsin) and #5 Kansas (to TCU and Oklahoma). The AP rankings were released today and Indiana remained in the top spot, yes, after a loss, largely behind their defeat of #10 Ohio State and the crumbling of the other teams around them near the top of the rankings. Duke and Miami are right on their heels though, trailing by only 44 and 60, respectively (that’s a very, very small margin of points).

Prior to Indiana holding onto its number one ranking, the AP Poll saw a change in its top team for five consecutive weeks. I look at this season’s college basketball landscape and have a feeling the NCAA tournament in March is going to be really interesting and possibly the most entertaining we’ve seen in years. For the first half of the season I’ve thought three teams stood out as better than the others – Indiana, Michigan and Duke. They’re the most complete, experienced and deepest teams in the game. However, over the past month, I’ve been getting the feeling more and more that there are a number of teams that could make a deep run in the tournament and reach the Final Four. Syracuse, Florida, Miami, Gonzaga, Ohio State, Arizona, Kansas, Louisville and Butler all fit in that group. But if you look deeper and analyze recent results and performance, teams like Wisconsin, Michigan State, Notre Dame, Kansas State, Georgetown, Pitt, Oregon and even the youngsters at Kentucky could find themselves playing in the Georgia Dome in Atlanta at the beginning of April. That’s 20 teams I just named…

If you haven’t been watching much college basketball, it’s time to start.

By Kevin York
Follow Kevin on Twitter at @kevin_york
You can contact Kevin at kevin@thecouchletes.com

NFL Season Wrap-Up

By Kevin York

Well, that’s it. The NFL season is over – 512 regular season games, 10 playoff games and then the Super Bowl. We were along for the entire ride, from predicting the records for all 32 teams to a series of posts leading up to and following the Super Bowl. Now it’s time to lay this football season to rest.

This doesn’t mean we’re going to stop talking football until August. That’s just not possible since it’s the favorite sport of a majority of The Couchletes; in fact, this week Ryan will be publishing a post on the under appreciation of Frank Gore. Laying the season to rest just means we won’t be talking about it quite as much as we now move on to focus more on sports like basketball, baseball and even golf and soccer…at least until we start talking about the NFL Draft (and until I start talking about all the changes the Packers need to make next year, a post that will probably come sooner rather than later).

To officially wrap up this season, I thought I’d highlight some of our favorite posts from this past football season, along with a few original editor’s comments. Enjoy!

Dear Kevin (September 11, 2012)
One of the few posts that Rahul has written, this one led to a vicious and angry response from me. What can I say? I don’t really take Packers losses well. Or the trash talk that comes from friends after a Packers loss.

Dear Roger Goodell (September 25, 2012)
A classic. The post that single handedly brought back the ‘real’ refs. At least I’ll continue to tell myself that for years. This post also happens to be The Couchletes’ all time most viewed post.

The Seattle Seahawks: Top of the League or Overrated? (October 17, 2012)
Well…turns out I was wrong on this one. The Seahawks ended up being one of the top teams in the league. In my defense, I was still bitter about the loss win loss the Packers suffered in Seattle when I wrote the post.

Are We Seeing the Real Jim Harbaugh Emerge? (November 27, 2012)
I got some healthy criticism for this one, largely from my fellow Couchletes. Yes, I’m pretty critical of Jim Harbaugh, but I’ve been hearing more and more that others aren’t fans of his either. I think I just got there sooner than others.

The Evolution of the NFL Cornerback (January 11, 2013)
A good post by Ryan about a subject that seems to be overlooked by many. The best way to combat some of these high powered passing offenses is to ‘grow’ cornerbacks in a different way. Pun intended (you’ll get the pun after you read the post).

And in case you missed any of them, here are the awards we handed out recognizing the top players and coaches of the NFL season:

  • The “official” Couchletes’ awards. Our choices for MVP, Offensive Player of the Year, Defensive Player of the Year, Offensive Rookie of the Year, Defensive Rookie of the Year and Coach of the Year.
  • A division by division analysis of the top players of the year and preview to the Couchletes’ awards.
  • My 2012 All Pro team

By Kevin York
Follow Kevin on Twitter at @kevin_york
You can contact Kevin at kevin@thecouchletes.com

In Case You Missed It: The Couchletes on the Super Bowl

By Kevin York

The Super Bowl is over and I never wrote much in the aftermath of the game. Nothing about my thoughts on the game or my reaction to play calling. I decided to leave that to the Niner fans on staff here. I’m not going to write a recap of the game now, but as I thought about it, I realized we had some good posts leading up to the game, and also a couple following it, so I decided to compile all of them in one place. Just in case you missed any. To give you something new, I’m including a few editor’s thoughts on each post.

The Ray Lewis Double Standard – The Ray-Ray
Ok, so this one wasn’t posted directly before the Super Bowl. To be honest, I didn’t think the Ravens had a snowball’s chance in hell of getting there (past both Denver and New England) so I posted it earlier to make sure it was up before Baltimore got eliminated. I was wrong on that. But, as the Ravens went deeper into the playoffs, more of the mainstream media followed my lead and started bringing up Lewis’ shadowy past. They saw my post, obviously.

Super Bowl XLVII Prop Bets
Matt’s first post on The Couchletes was a good one. As he shared in a later follow-up post, he ended up going one for four on his prop bets. I have a feeling a lot of people lost out on those this year though given how crazy the game played out.

The Best Offensive Line Story of the Year: The Up and Down Tale of Bryant McKinnie
McKinnie had a solid game, helping keep Joe Flacco pretty clean for the duration of the Super Bowl, except for that one play where McKinnie got caught looking inside helping on a double team and Ahmed Brooks ran right outside of him and sacked Flacco for a considerable loss. Other than that, he had a pretty good game.

The Passing of the Torch?
I ended this post saying Willis isn’t performing in Ray Lewis territory at this stage of his career; but in the Super Bowl, although his Niners lost, Willis outplayed Lewis.

The Couchletes’ Super Bowl Picks
Mark and I both correctly picked the Ravens to win the game, although neither of us got the final score, but I was close  in picking a three point win. Got the margin right at least. I was dead wrong on my MPV though picking Ray Rice. Big miss. I over thought it. Mark was correct in choosing Joe Flacco though. Kind of…

Super Bowl Media Day (Next year we’ll be there)
I stand by my statement. Next year we’ll be there.

Super Regrets
Monday was a tough day for San Francisco fans and Matt pretty accurately captured the thoughts that I heard from most Niner fans the day after a rough loss.

So God made an Ad Man.
A hilarious post from Mark telling the story of him watching the Super Bowl for the commercials and providing his thoughts on the best and worst.

By Kevin York
Follow Kevin on Twitter at @kevin_york
You can contact Kevin at kevin@thecouchletes.com

Thoughts on the Most Disliked Athletes in America (Who the heck voted on these guys?)

By Kevin York

Photo Credit: (Tom Szczerbowski/USA Today Sports)

Photo Credit: (Tom Szczerbowski/USA Today Sports)

Earlier this week Forbes released its list of the 10 most disliked athletes in America. That full list, in order by the most disliked, is as follows:

Tie – 1. Lance Armstrong
Tie – 1. Manti Te’o
3. Tiger Woods
4. Jay Cutler
5. Metta World Peace
6. Alex Rodriguez
7. Michael Vick
8. Kurt Busch
9. Kobe Bryant
10. Tony Romo

After I read that list, all I could think was, “who voted on this thing?” I can understand Armstrong. The wounds are still fresh from his admittance to using PEDs for, well, his entire career. Woods, World Peace, Vick and Bryant appearing on the list show that it’s hard to ditch reputations once those reputations have soured with the general public. Being a cheating, sex crazed asshole, going into the stands to attack fans, abusing dogs, and being accused of rape are things that take quite a bit of time for people to forget. When I look at some of the others, though, I just have to ask “why?”

Should Manti Te’o really be hated? You can call him naive, oblivious or gullible, but I’m not sure I’d call him hated. I almost feel sorry for the guy considering just how stupid he now appears to be. I think his place on the list is more due to people hating Notre Dame than Te’o.

Jay Cutler? Sure he’s an arrogant douche, or I guess I should just say douche since arrogance is an assumed part of doucheness. You can say he’s a whiny little brat too, but does he belong on a most hated list? Is he even relevant enough nationwide to be on this list?

Hasn’t Alex Rodriguez all but admitted he’s overrated? He admitted to using banned performance enhancing substances. He disappears in the postseason (both in games and when media want to talk to him). Sure, he plays for the Yankees, and we all hate the Yankees, but a spot in the top 10 list? I think we can do better (or should I say worse?) than A-Rod.

Kurt Busch? Do we consider auto racing a sport? No, seriously, do we? So Kurt has road rage, so does every other American male over the age of sixteen. I guess this is the impact of the south on the vote.

I’m at the point where I feel sorry for Tony Romo. The guy doesn’t do anything to be hated, I guess unless you’re a Cowboys fan, and I’d wager that his place on this list is more due to the voting of Cowboy haters than fans. He’s a model citizen off the field. If anything, I think this list shows that Americans still consider the Yankees, Cowboys and Notre Dame their most hated teams.

So the list is compiled of five guys that I agree belong on it, or should I say, I won’t fight back on; and five guys that have no place on this list.

So who should replace those that I don’t think belong?

Before Rahul throws in his vote for Kris Humphries due to his infatuation with the Kardashians, let it be known that the guy was on the list last year and dropped off this year, which I think he earned, as odd and backwards as that sounds to say he earned his way off this list. Personally, I kind of like Humphries now. How can you not like a guy who irritates Kanye?

But back to who should be on this list…

  • Dwight Howard!!!!!! How quickly we’ve forgotten what an immature little brat that guy is. How is he not on this list? Forget John Kerry, Dwight Howard is the ultimate flip flopper. And don’t forget, he also got his coach fired. Then he decided he wanted out of Orlando and even chose where he wanted to go, or maybe it was his second or third choice – he switched his demands so much I’ve forgotten – and now isn’t happy there either. Sorry, Superman, you belong on this list.
Photo Credit: (Jeff Gross/Getty Images)

Photo Credit: (Jeff Gross/Getty Images)

  • If Jay Cutler is included, don’t we need Philip Rivers on it too? I think he’s more of a whining crybaby than Cutler. I’m tired of seeing him rant and rave on the sidelines, screaming at players and coaches alike.
  • Fans outside of Baltimore and New England might not be as aware of this guy, but what about Ravens safety Bernard Pollard (or Bernard Karmell Pollard!!! as Bill Simmons and the guys at Grantland refer to him). Pollard has caused serious injuries to not one, not two, not even three, but FOUR players on the New England Patriots in separate seasons. He ended the seasons of Tom Brady (2008 – torn ACL) and Wes Welker (2009 season finale – torn ACL); and for the most part, also ended the seasons of and Rob Gronkowski (2012 playoffs – sprained ankle) and Stevan Ridley (2013 playoffs – concussion knocking him unconscious) since both weren’t fully healthy contributors throughout the remainder of the playoffs. With the number piled up at four, don’t we have to say this isn’t a coincidence anymore? I know many people hate the Patriots, but look past that. The guy ended the seasons of three Pro Bowlers. Seems kind of pre-meditated to me.
  • What about Ray Freaking Lewis!?!?! This baffles me. I asked a lot of people who they were cheering for in the Super Bowl and in roughly 95% of those conversations (using a very accurate statistical measurement called my head and gut), “I hate Ray Lewis” was mentioned. The reasons varied from ‘being a hypocrite’ to ‘inaccurately depicting religion and God’s impact daily life’ to ‘killing two people,’ but the end result was the same – people can’t stand the guy.
  • I think Floyd Mayweather escaped making the list because not enough people are aware of him. Do people even watch boxing anymore? I have to confess I first became aware of what a mouthy, pompous jerk he is from when he made some guest appearances on WWE (yes, I’m admitting to watching WWE). He was cast as a face (good guy) and ended up wrestling the Big Show, a heel (bad guy), at WWE’s Wrestlemania pay-per-view event. However, in the weeks leading up to that match, actually, I take that back – the very moment Mayweather opened his mouth, I found myself wanting to see him get pummeled. I’m not sure what WWE was thinking positioning him as a face, but the majority of fans ended up cheering for the ‘heel’ in that match right along with me. And then of course, there are the multiple batteries Mayweather has committed against girlfriends.

So if I’m making this list, I replace Te’o, Cutler, A-Rod, Busch and Romo with Dwight Howard, Philip Rivers, Ray Lewis, Bernard Pollard and Floyd Mayweather.

Then I started wondering, what if the scope of the poll had been expanded to sports figures and not just athletes? How would coaches stack up in this? Where would a guy like Rex Ryan fall? That would lengthen this post quite a bit, and let’s be honest, you’ve probably already stopped reading this far, so I’m going to investigate the most hated coaches in a future post. Let me know who you think belongs on that list or if I forgot anyone who belongs on the most hated athletes list.

By Kevin York
Follow Kevin on Twitter at @kevin_york
You can contact Kevin at kevin@thecouchletes.com

New Roster Acquisitions – Part 3

By Kevin York

You may have just read that title and thought, “Wait a minute…didn’t they just write a post like this a week ago?” The answer to that question is yes. We wrote New Roster Acquisitions – Part 2 10 days ago, to be exact, when we added Matt and Alton to our staff. This is part 3 of our new roster acquisitions. Our readership is actually growing kind of quickly (yes, we’re as shocked as you are). It’s crazy – the more frequently that we publish, the more readers we get. Who would’ve thunk it?! (That was dripping with heavy sarcasm in case you couldn’t sense it. Both Ryan and I are social media consultants and give that very advice to our clients everyday.)

Since our readership is growing, we thought our staff should grow too. We can’t let all of you down. We have expectations we need to meet now. So to support the cause, we’ve decided to throw money around like Michael Jordan shopping for 90s jeans and oversized blazers. Like Ric Flair stylin’ and profilin.’ Like Donald Trump in a bad toupe store. Like the fat, old, bald guy in a strip club. We realized we’ll have to drop some serious cash to get the consistency in writing that we need. Dropping cash like Wes Welker drops passes in big games. Or like Antonio Cromartie drops on child support. You get the point. We knew we’d need to to shell out some more money to bring on a couple more writers to help with producing more content (yes, I absolutely used the word ‘more’ three times in that sentence – I’m stressing the importance of more, here). Anyway, all that would be true if we actually paid our writers…which we don’t. So all I’m really saying is we’re adding another writer.

Jonathan Murray – Jonathan is a Bay Area guy, residing in San Jose with his wife and newborn daughter. Yes, we added yet another person with Bay Area perspective after saying we wanted to broaden what our writers bring to the table. But wait! He’s different than the rest of us. See, Jonathan will be focusing on golf, and no, not the way Rahulfocuses” on golf by obsessing over what Rickie Fowler wears, but really talking about golf and giving his insight and perspective. So he will be helping us to broaden. Of course, that’s not to say he won’t ever write about other subjects at times, he’s also a big San Francisco Giants and 49ers fan, but he’ll predominantly write about the gentleman’s game.

Welcome to the team, Jonathan!

By Kevin York
Follow Kevin on Twitter at @kevin_york
You can contact Kevin at kevin@thecouchletes.com

The Future of the National Football League

By Alton Beermann

It was clear from watching the NFL this season that certain trends and league norms were popping up and changing the way the league operates and functions. From the new type of quarterback who can run and throw, the explosion of talent in the NFC West, to the extreme number of passing attempts per game, and ridiculous fines for violent hits, the NFL is evolving yet again.

Trend 1: There’s a new breed of NFL QB
They’re young, they’re fast, and they have the innate ability to be great on-field decision-makers. Between RG3, Russell Wilson, Colin Kaepernick and Cam Newton, these guys all have HUGE arms. Not only that, but they have an incredible ability to extend the play and find the open man by deftly dodging defenders while they stretch for the first down or end zone. In NFL history there have never been so many young prolific quarterbacks who are quickly becoming the league staple for greatness, scratching and clawing to reach the levels of a Tom Brady or Peyton Manning. Clearly, they’re not at the elite level yet, but they are definitely changing the scope of the game.

Photo Credit: (Ronald Martinez/Getty Images)

Photo Credit: (Ronald Martinez/Getty Images)

The way that current trends are going, your typical pocket passers may be a thing of the past. Many people say that this new QB prototype is a fad that can and will be figured out. Well, I think not. The originator of this type of quarterback is Hall of Famer Steve Young. He was clearly in the pocket much more than all of these young guns but he made defenders miss and what would look like a sack would turn into a 30-yard gain.

What these players have in common and what separates them from someone like a Mike Vick is their pass first, run second mentality and their solid decision-making even while being so new to the league. Cam is the only one who hasn’t laced up in the playoffs and, while he does throw a lot of interceptions, he has made himself known as an exciting player around the league. Those of you who’ve had him on your fantasy football team know this to be true.

One could bring up the point that Joe Flacco did just take over the playoffs on his way to becoming Super Bowl MVP; however, the NFL is changing and I’m not too certain players like him are going to be looked at the same way in future drafts. Although these new quarterbacks are taking the league by storm there have been some other QBs of late who almost fit this speed and gunslinger mold. The Steeler’s Ben Roethlisberger may not have the blazing speed but he does extend plays and escapes pressure unlike a lot of players out there. Andrew luck is right there with him and I legitimately think he is Big Ben reincarnated. Luck and Roethlisberger are the new pocket passers, while RG3, Cam, Wilson and Kap are an entirely new breed of passer.

This quarterback type is widely hated on and is disputed as being a “fad” or just engaging in a “trendy” style of play because of the pistol formation and read options they run. When you have a guy who can run by you and throw over you, why not employ the read option? The NFL is an ever-evolving creature and this is part of the process. So five years from now when everyone is trying to get quarterbacks like this new breed and your standard Dan Marino pocket passer is fading out you can refer to this article and thank me for letting you know ahead of time. I’m not saying pocket passers will ever go away completely, but you will see more and more Kaepernicking, RG3ing and Superman in the future.

Trend 2: The NFC West will be the best
Watch out NFL, there’s a new division in town. Maybe consistently losing teams and high first round picks do pay off? With the exception of the Cardinals’ run four years ago with old man Warner, the NFC West had been a joke for the better part of a decade. Now the Niners, “Seagulls,” and Ram’s could all make the playoffs next year. With defense and good coaching being a strong suit in this division, look for the NFC West to dominate in coming years.

Trend 3: Pass first. Run never
Largely to do with rule changes and horrendous secondary play (See Rahim Moore and Chris Culliver this playoffs), the NFL is developing into a pass only league. The teams that were more balanced did have more success deeper into the season, but when quarterbacks like Stafford and Brees are having 50-plus attempt games on a regular basis, and are successful, it’s hard to argue with passing the ball a lot. Running for those teams consists of dumping the ball off to a back coming out of the backfield or employing a screen play. Fullbacks are for the most part, a completely extinct beast and it was almost an anomaly to see two great fullbacks who essentially only block out of the backfield play in this year’s Super Bowl. Look for Adrian Peterson and Arian Foster to get their carries but I don’t see many teams changing as long as quarterbacks and receivers have the advantages over pass defenders.

Trend 4: Eventually we’re going to be watching flag football
With big hits being limited, it’s compromising the epically violent sport. In boxing, competitors hit each other in the head, face and body repeatedly and yet people turn a blind eye to it. Extreme sport athletes break limbs and risk their lives for their sport. These NFL athletes have trained their bodies to give and accept big hits. I think the NFL is becoming over-zealous with fines and suspensions on some players. I am all about player safety and protection against concussions, but there comes a point in time when these players know the risks and dangers they face. I don’t mean to sound insensitive but these guys are making millions of dollars. Let them play. How would Ronnie Lott and Lawrence Taylor feel about getting fined for making big plays and dominating their opponents so much that they were feared? I can’t shake the feeling that preaching better technology and tackling is what the NFL needs, not fines and suspensions.

Photo Credit: (Jared Wickerham / Getty Images)

Photo Credit: (Jared Wickerham / Getty Images)

Trend 5: America’s Sport
Football has clearly taken the place of baseball in the U.S., and that’s nothing new, but with your average fan thinking they are a football guru and ESPN’s year-round coverage of Tim Tebow, everyone from that homeless guy on the corner to your grandma can now call themselves a fan at one level or another. My point is everyone can find something to relate to in football and it is one of the bright parts in American society. The sport of football is transcendent and preaches hard work, dedication and a kind of showmanship and confidence, which essentially are the values of this country. Football is on an extreme national stage and has such great storylines that it benefits both those who play the game and the fans who love it. Our economy might plummet off the face of the earth but the sport of football won’t.

By Alton Beermann
Follow Alton on Twitter at @altonbeermann
You can contact Alton at alton@thecouchletes.com

So God made an Ad Man.

By Mark Gaspar

While many of you sat in a sweaty and overcrowded living room to watch the Super Bowl with your friends, I – clothed in my favorite shark skin suit – sat aloft on the 52nd floor of a Madison Avenue office building. While sipping a 12 year-old scotch, I looked down from my perch – both literally and figuratively –on all the plebian mouth breathers with disdain, and a little bit of pity.

“Yes, I pity them” I thought as I cozied up with my favorite albino cat in a cold, unfeeling mid-century modern chair. But I also love them, those out-of-shape puppets who are, this very moment covered in fried chicken grease, readily opening their feebile and facile minds to the corporate suggestions of the cabal with whom I currently sit. “My God” I whispered, “they make it all so easy. Like shooting fish in a barrel.” We all laughed our best and most full-throated laugh as we watched a wall of television screens and calmly snorted caviar off the stomachs of immaculately hairless models imported from Romania.

As the game began our notions were reinforced. Ball shots, large breasts, promises of adventure… the tried and true. There were a few hiccups. Those bastards at Audi gave us something comfortable yet subversive.

http://youtu.be/UvRUZxxeOwg

And GoDaddy actually presented something that was creative and strategic.

http://youtu.be/UDfVZgtl2zM

“Holy balls” cried one senior executive next to me “did they just do something that made sense?”

Those were but tiny bumps, for we could still forecast the USA Today top ten commercials. Surely Doritos’ “Goat” and the even more asinine “men dressing up” would be number one and two. Such stupidity. Such meaninglessness. This… THIS is what America wants… nay… NEEDS! Ah the beauty of crowdsourcing. Give these dunces enough rope and they’ll hang the whole populace.

But then something horrible happened. In the third quarter, just after we engineered the power outage (look we’re sorry, but we spent a ton of time on those CBS promos and we really thought you’d enjoy them) a television spot came on and it rocked me to my core.

FARMERS!!

I knew they couldn’t be trusted. I mean for God’s sake it made me… FEEL something. It made me THINK about something. Two of my brethren died out of shock. After all, if the mindless horde is taught to think, to feel, to laugh at more than a guy getting hit in the junk then they’ll start to rebel. They’ll start demanding more. We’ll have to work harder.

I went to steady myself with a long slug from my glass only to notice I was sweating. Sweating right through my impossibly tailored suit. Shit. Do you know how expensive it is to dry clean shark skin?

As my forehead dried I knew I had to do one of two things. I could change. I could push myself to come up with better material, respect my audience, and ignore the trapping of previous success. Or, I could ignore everything, turn on Netflix and watch “House of Cards.” And really, when I saw it like that… it all made so much sense.

Man that Kevin Spacey is a good actor.

Other winners and losers:

Winners:

http://youtu.be/fWHbugWLia8

http://youtu.be/f5HXB6MZemg

http://youtu.be/nGkD8uIqCGU

Losers:

All of the Black Crown!

http://youtu.be/ganYRWpXXew

By Mark Gaspar.
Follow Mark on Twitter at @markgaspar
You can contact Mark at mark@thecouchletes.com

Super Regrets

By Matt Ginn

I wanted to post something about the Super Bowl, the way a thing like sports can impact our lives so completely, can make me pulse with restrained frustration and excitement. But because of the adrenaline hangover I’m almost at a loss for words.

My team should be the Super Bowl champion right now. If I was told before the game that the 49ers would have four shots from inside the ten to take the lead with two minutes left, I would have been confident that Greg Roman would call a play that would succeed. It would have been nice to see a different call on third down, though the QB counter they called on the almost-delay-of-game sure looked like it would have been successful had they gotten the play off before the timeout/delay. It would have been nice to see the clear helmet to helmet hit on a defenseless Crabtree be called on third down, or the toss-up of a holding call on fourth down be called, but that’s just sour grapes because my team didn’t come through.

Ultimately, two years ago this team had worst-coach-ever Mike Singletary as its head coach, a completely ruined Alex Smith as the starting QB and an under-performing top 10 pick in Michael Crabtree. After watching Harbaugh and his staff run this team for two years, Alex Smith played the best football of his life and still has been significantly outplayed by a 25 year old who makes beautiful down field throws and can run 100MPH. Crabtree has blossomed into a guy with great moves, better than ever separation, and solid hands, hopefully destined to be a 1,000 yard receiver for years to come. The defense, long a bright spot on a mediocre team, has stayed consistently capable of performing at an elite level.

Things are looking up. Even if this game didn’t go their way, the 49ers are poised to be successful for a long time. Management has shown great ability at drafting well (AJ Jenkins aside) and they should be able to replace some of our aging starters over the next few years with smart picks. Our two coordinators will be around for another year at least, most of our starters are already signed and while the competition looks to be getting stronger in the NFC West, it’s hard to say the 49ers won’t still be the favorites next year.

Looking back at the last decade of my 49ers fandom, I know that they are in the best position to succeed since Eddie D was bribing Louisiana bureaucrats for riverboat gaming rights, but knowing that doesn’t make this sting any less.

Oh well, there’s always next year!

UPDATE: I went 1 out of 4 on my prop bets. I successfully picked the first quarter as the lowest scoring quarter, unfortunately I had bet on it to be the highest scoring quarter. Interesting to see that had I gone with my gut and bet the third quarter it would have won the bet. Flacco didn’t thank anybody during his MVP speech so that was a loss as well, and the 49ers did not cover the spread. The Ravens led by 22 at one point so my largest lead of the game prop bet paid.

Total Wagered $350

Total Payout (including stake) $215

Total won/lost ($135)

By Matt Ginn
Follow Matt on twitter at @mattginn

Super Bowl Media Day (Next year we’ll be there)

By Kevin York

Every year during the week leading up to the Super Bowl, one day is dedicated to media coverage of the game and the two teams participating in it. This day has come to be known as Media Day. On that day, media from around the world descend on the Super Bowl’s host city. Many of the reporters attending Media Day are from outlets that haven’t covered the NFL at all during the regular season or the preceding postseason games, which can lead to a circus of crazy antics and even crazier questions. That’s bound to happen when:

1. Reporters unknowledgeable on the two Super Bowl teams, heck, unknowledgeable on football in general, are assigned to cover the Super Bowl.

and,

2. Bench players and role players, unaccustomed to media attention, find themselves suddenly with a microphone and camera in front of their face.

Unsurprisingly, Media Day typically generates its own wave of story angles (Chris Culliver, remember that time in 2013 when you outed yourself as a bigot?). I mean, that’s what happens when uninformed reporters are given a platform for asking stupid questions and when bench players are given a platform to finally be noticed for something.

Ryan and I were talking about Media Day earlier this week, wondering how the hell some of these “reporters” get passes for Media Day. Here’s a sampling of some of the questions that have been asked at Media Day over the years. Remember, this is just a small sampling of the dumbest, weirdest and most bizarre questions asked by these professional members of the media given a press pass.

  • At Super Bowl XLIII, Arizona Cardinals wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald was asked, “Who has the better hair, you or Steelers safety Tony (sic) Polamalu?” Yes, that’s right. The Access Hollywood reporter called Troy Polamalu by the wrong first name.
  • At Super Bowl XXIII, San Francisco 49ers quarterback was asked, “So why do they call you Boomer?” Montana’s 49ers were playing the Cincinnati Bengals, quarterbacked by Boomer Esiason. A reporter actually mixed the two up, since they look so much alike. Wait, they actually look nothing alike. If, you know, you’ve watched any of their games and have actually seen them before.
  • At Super Bowl XXXIV, St. Louis Rams quarterback Kurt Warner was asked, “Do you believe in voodoo, and can I have a lock of your hair?”
  • At Super Bowl XXVII, Dallas Cowboys running back Emmitt Smith was asked, “What are you going to wear in the game Sunday?”
  • At Super Bowl XXXII, Denver Broncos fullback Detron Smith was asked, “What size panties do you think you’d wear?”
  • At Super Bowl XXXIV, St. Louis Rams offensive tackle Orlando Pace was asked, “After the game, in the shower, what’s your favorite bar of soap?”
  • At Super Bowl XXXIII, Denver Broncos quarterback John Elway was asked, “Are you going to listen to Stevie Wonder perform at halftime?”

Kind of astonishing, huh? Hard hitting journalism, right there. That’s what that is…

Given how much time and space these “reporters” waste on Media Day, Ryan asked, why can’t we go? Good question. Why couldn’t we? Our writing, our perspective, our football knowledge is better than at least half the people that receive passes to Media Day. It’s not just ESPN, Sports Illustrated, Fox and CBS there.

So we’ve made a goal. Next year The Couchletes will be at Media Day for Super Bowl XLVIII in New York/New Jersey. It’s going to happen.

All time dumbest Super Bowl questions sourced from Sports Illustrated.

By Kevin York
Follow Kevin on Twitter at @kevin_york
You can contact Kevin at kevin@thecouchletes.com